It's going to be okay

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 Hey guys, hope you've been well?

On my latest instagram post (as some of you might have seen) I shared that I haven't been feeling myself for some weeks now. I believe I described it as a state of being lost. I have been doubting myself, my talents, my creativity and my self worth, I just felt like I wasn't good enough. Not good enough to be a blogger, not pretty enough to get a guy, not worthy enough to call myself God's daughter. Furthermore I started to doubt if I was even smart and competent enough to get a good job as I'm currently looking for a new one. As rewarding as my current job is, it has its downsides and sadly they outweigh the good aspects and the role itself has contributed to my current state of mind.
Everytime I looked at my CV I just kept thinking "who on earth would ever hire me?" and that put me off applying for certain jobs. My mum and brother had to remind me that I'm a graduate with many skills and experiences which I've gained not just from my study but from previous employment. Even after all that, I still let that doubt eat at me and take over my sense of reasoning. One of my favourite bloggers inmysundaybest used a phrase that best describes this predicament- imposter syndrome. From doubt came fear then anxiety and I was caught in this vicious cycle so even when my family managed to comfort me, that state of peace was only momentary because as soon I was alone, that dreadful doubt visited me again like an unwanted guest. Fear and anxiety came from me overthinking and worrying about my future- what if I don't get another job?, what will I do then?, how will I ever pay off my overdraft and start saving?, how will I be able to take care of my present and future family?- so exhausting right?

 When I wasn't worrying about my career and the future, I was obsessing about being the perfect blogger- are my pictures good enough?, do they look as good as that other person's pictures? are my posts actually being read or is it all just rubbish? why do my arms look huge in that photo?- I was never satisfied and it seemed that every other blogger was doing so much better than me. I was tempted a few times to delete my instagram and my whole blog and just disappear altogether. I allowed myself to be overcome by the silent pressure of social media and fell prey to that terrible habit of comparing myself to others. I forgot why I started my blog in the first place and became a slave to numbers and algorithms which I feel particularly stupid about because just a few weeks ago I was the same person telling people on instagram not to get caught up in likes and following-follower ratios. I seem to be good at giving people advice but terrible at taking it!

As I've said in a number of previous posts my body image is one thing I've constantly struggled with, some days I am confident and feel phenomenal whilst on other days I won't even look in the mirror. To be very honest I am TIRED of struggling, I just want to reach a point where my worth as a human being stops being tied to my appearance. I despise the fact that I sometimes contemplate changing myself and often wish to look like someone else in order to be seen as attractive to a guy. I mean, it's such a cliche but in the spirit of being totally transparent with you guys I feel I have to share this embarrassing truth. A recent encounter left me fed up regarding the kind of male attention I get- mostly from older (and often gross) men- and I started to think "why do I rarely attract guys in my age range?!".That got me thinking that perhaps if I lost weight and became thinner then maybe I would be more attractive to my age group and start to attract them instead . Keeping fit and becoming healthier are important to me but I hate that male attention is a small part of the reason why.

You would think that having a relationship with God would bring me all the comfort, reassurance and peace that I need to battle and overcome my demons but how can that be when I'm constantly worrying if I'm praying right, reading the bible right or if He is even listening to my prayers?! Yes , I even overthink prayer. I focus on my imperfections and weaknesses rather than God's loving mercy and compassion for me. So when I do pray, my lips are moving but my mind is not there because I allow all my worries to overshadow any peace God is trying to bring me. I am like Peter when he was walking on water to meet Jesus and the moment he got scared he began to sink- I am constantly sinking because I allow that pesky doubt to take over. I ask God to help me but how can he when I'm still holding on to the very thing that he's telling me to let go of? I continue to allow the devil to lie to me and he has allowed me to believe that I'm not worthy of God's blessings, love, mercy, kindness, peace etc. He constantly reminds me of all the bad aspects of myself and that's all I see which is why I sometimes find myself in this lost state.
Thankfully, like the loving father He is, God does not allow his children to remain in despair forever. Some way, some how He reaches out to us through family, friends, a stranger, a song, a bible verse etc to free us from the shackles we find ourselves tied to. I am starting to learn and more importantly accept that life isn't always going to be perfect, sometimes things aren't going to go according to plan. There are going to be times when we are uncertain about things and wonder what the future holds in store for us. There will be times when you are going to doubt if you're strong enough, smart enough, worthy enough, beautiful enough. You might even be in a situation right now and feel like there is no way out. But be encouraged right now, this very moment that it's going to be okay! Don't worry about the 'how' or 'when', just believe that everything is going to work out for the best. God uses our struggles and low moments to help us to grow, learn valuable lessons and ultimately become the people he has destined us to be.
After weeks of struggling with what to write, I was suddenly inspired to write this post. I had been holding in how low I was feeling and yesterday the tiniest thing triggered me which led me to breakdown and open up to my brother. I am really glad I did that and after posting on instagram I felt a lot better, like a weight was lifted off my chest. I was overwhelmed by the kind response I got from people and I'm glad that a number of them were able to relate. It's always nice to know that you're not alone in your struggles.

I was listening to the song '2nd win' by Kirra Sheard as I was writing and the message of the song is basically a summary of this post. I encourage you to give it a listen (even if you're not religious) and be encouraged and uplifted! If you have spotify, you can check out my 'praise and worship 2' playlist for more songs like that.They help me remember that I'm not alone in my struggles and that God is always working for my good so I hope they do the same for you!  My spotify username is stephogunmilade

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it and found it helpful.
Until next time, take care and God bless xoxo

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Matthew 6: 25-27

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2 comments:

  1. Beautiful post Stephanie! I want you to know that you are not a slave to your worries or doubt, because God knows all and God knows you. There’s nothing you should worry about whether it is finances, men, looks or intelligence. You are a child of God, you are made perfect in his image. Do not worry or stress, it comes natural to us, but keep placing your faith in God. He hears all of our prayers and blesses all of our efforts. Keep pushing on xxx beautiful post as always. Proud of you ❤️

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    1. My babes! Can’t believe I’m just seeing this. Thank you so much honestly, I appreciate you and all your support. I’m blessed to have a friend like you. Love you lots and God bless you ❤️❤️

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