Dear Trashy Man

 "Men are Trash"
"Men are dogs"
"Men ain't shit"
Familiar phrases we women have heard and used several times when talking about the men in our lives who have wronged us- from the pervy stranger on the bus to the abusive partner in a relationship. Point is, most women- young and old- have had at least one experience in their lifetime that has caused them to utter these group of words. I too have had my fair share of experiences with so called "trashy men" and looking back on them there are things I wish I said you know? Things I wish I hadn't let slide even when I knew I wasn't okay with it, times I wish I stood up for myself and not allowed certain guys to intimidate me so I guess this post goes out to them ? But more importantly this post is also for my fellow women, those who are just as fed up as I am and perhaps will be able to relate to some of the points made in this post.

So here goes, dear trashy man....

That's not my name
Just in case you didn't know, I am NOT; "oi big back", "oiiii", "hey you girl", "girl with the fat back"-you get the gist. If you are incapable (at your big age) of approaching a woman respectfully then please don't approach her at all. Furthermore, to those of you who drive please stop beeping your horn moronically at women! What are you expecting me to do? To start running after the car?
What's wrong with walking up to a woman and saying "excuse me miss" or simply saying good morning/afternoon/evening?? Do the guys who do this have two heads? Or do you just have such little regard for women that you feel it is appropriate to attract our attention by yelling out obscene things?



It is not by force!
Please get rid of that annoying sense of entitlement that makes you think you must get every girl that you approach. Now don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with being confident (not cocky) and I do understand that it can be nerve racking when trying to get the attention of a potential love interest. However, just because you get shut down or you don't get the type of response you were looking for DOES NOT mean you should morph into a three headed beast and start hurling insults such as "fuck off then" or "you're not even all that" at me. Excuse me sir but you thought I was "beautiful" and "stunning" five minutes ago so please keep that same energy after I've politely said no to your advances. When God said "ask and ye shall receive", I don't think He meant harass and bully a woman till she surrenders her phone number or any of her social media to you. Yes rejection stings, no one likes it but you know what? Get over yourself and move on.

Not a sexual object
I am a human being, a child of God; a young woman with emotions ,various unique characteristics and qualities, I have hopes and dreams, ambitions etc- all things that make me Stephanie. Now what I am NOT is merely a collection of body parts that exists solely for your pleasure. Please stop sexualising my body, in fact stop sexualising everything. Contrary to what you think some of us just want to connect with others on a deeper level, we want to talk and get to know one another. Not everything is always about sex!! I can't tell you how annoying it is when you're trying to have a genuine, wholesome conversation with a guy only for you to realise that first of all; he's not even listening to you or maintaining eye contact . Secondly, even if he manages to keep said eye contact, he's usually giving stupid 'bedroom eyes' accompanied with lustful gazes up and down my body. Bro, do you not think about anything else? Do you not value/respect me enough as a fellow human being to actually indulge me in a proper conversation?
Don't even get me started on you "what are you wearing", "without me?" or "what would you do if I was there?" guys, you lot are truly the worst. I challenge you to stop thinking with your other head for at least five minutes! 
Don't touch me
Let me say it louder for those of you in the back- DON'T. TOUCH . ME. I don't want your grubby hands all over me grabbing, groping, pinching or slapping any part of my body. You have absolutely no right.
I will never forget a party I went to during  my first year of university- in that one night I was groped three times and as if that wasn't bad enough, one 'charming' young man thought it was a good idea to slap (we're talking full on smack here) my behind. You can imagine my shock and disbelief as I turned around to tell him off only for me to be told to "shut up" because according to him "It's not that deep". I laugh as I recall this incident because I am still incredulous at the audacity of the idiot.
Now's let's remember what I said earlier about that irritating sense of entitlement because it applies to this point too. So let me say it one more time, don't touch me.

Catcalling is sexual harassment 
Well in my opinion anyways. There is nothing flattering about a bunch of losers shouting and hollering disgusting and perverse things about my body as I walk past. I hate that I'm the one who ends up feeling embarrassed when I haven't done anything wrong. Although you're the one shouting and acting a fool, you don't realise that you also bring (unwanted) attention to me. Honestly, if you're unable to admire the female anatomy with an iota of sense and decorum then do women everywhere a favour and keep your mouth shut instead of acting like a prepubescent school boy.


Do Something
Yes, this is for you...you know who you are. You're the "innocent" party who isn't "involved"-the friend of the trashy idiot. Yes, you are just as bad- dare I say, even worse- because unlike your not-so-intelligent friend you know that your boy's actions are out of pocket but instead you say and do nothing. You don't call them out and even if you do it's a feeble "chill bro" sometimes followed by a chuckle (to keep the mood light I guess?) which to me highlights the fact that you're too much of a coward to put your friend in his place. I'm sure you wouldn't have this same energy if the female in question was your girlfriend/wife, sister, mother etc.
Call your friends out 'bro'.

It is that deep
You might think these things are minor and honestly I am tired of the phrase "it's not that deep" when women complain about trashy or toxic male behaviour. Something said or done in passing, something that you think is just "banter" or "boys being boys" has the potential to leave a negative (sometimes long lasting) side effect on a woman.
I remember when I was 12 years old coming back from school and as I walked towards the main door of my flat's building I passed a group of boys who looked between the ages of 15 and 16. I was just there minding my own business waiting for my brother to buzz me in when one of them said "oi excuse me, my boy said he wants to sleep with you" and then he and another boy started laughing. Of course back then I didn't know it was "banter", that they were teasing their friend at my expense-you know when school boys act a fool after school and are just being loud and obnoxious, annoying members of the pubic with their stupid antics- yeah that's what they were doing.
So anyway, as no one was at home I ran away and kept running till I got to the local library where I figured my brother was waiting for me. As I ran, what they said kept replaying in my head and I was so frightened that once I got to the library, I didn't want to go back home just incase they were still outside waiting for me or something. For the next few months-and I promise you this is not an exaggeration- I had nightmares of those boys because I was so scared that they had meant what they said. Everyday coming back from school, I would be anxious on the bus praying not to see them and it got to a point that I didn't even want to play outside anymore. When I eventually saw them again, I was so terrified but they just looked at me with blank expressions- they had clearly forgotten who I was.
A stupid sentence they may not even recall saying left me in a state of paranoia and anxiety for months and till this day part of me still gets anxious when walking past a large group of guys.
Even if the excuse is that it was a long time ago and they were being "young and dumb", when young boys like these reach their 20s and 30s and are still displaying such trashy behaviour, what is the excuse then? Are they still "boys being boys"? Is it still not that deep?
The problematic behaviours and the experiences that I've highlighted in this post are a small drop in a large ocean of toxic masculinity that many women fall prey to everyday. When will it end? When are we going to stop giving poor excuses for certain behaviours that in some cases lead to dangerous consequences for women? When are we going to stop shaming the brave women who come out of hiding to share their experiences and demand justice? When are we going to start taking these concerns and the fears of  women seriously?

These are questions I ask myself daily.

I wrote this post from the heart, it wasn't written in a bid to throw shade at anybody and it is most certainly not a 'I hate men' post, I am aware that not all men are trash and that there are in fact many good and respectful men out there. I just think it's important for us women to continue to share these struggles with each other to remind ourselves that we're not alone in our frustrations.

Thank you so much for reading, if this post helps even one person in some way then my job here is done!
Until next time, take care and God bless xoxo


P.S. (this is for my ladies) If you wish to talk to someone about a past experience or something that you're going through, no matter how trivial or serious- I am always here to lend a listening ear!

CONVERSATION

2 comments:

  1. I love this post and how accurate it is. I use the phrase “men are trash” so much and I almost hate how much I mean it! I mean there are times when I see a group of guys, I cross the street because I don’t want to deal with the catcalls. I love your point that there are a lot of good men out there, but I think the few bad apples are ruining it for the others! Anyways, great piece! x Victoria

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    1. Hey Victoria, thanks so much for reading! (can't believe I'm just seeing this lovely comment)
      I totally do the same thing when I see a group of guys, which as you said is kinda sad because why should we have to suffer because of some idiots that don't know how to control themselves?!
      Also yes I agree, the bad apples out there make it harder for the good genuine ones who are respectful. God bless xoxo

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